For Godâs sake, buy yourself a pumpkin today!
The price of pumpkins might be affected by economic chaos and maybe the Russian war against Ukrainian pumpkins. Wait too long and you might end up carving a jack-o’-lantern out of last yearâs mutant GMO carrots.
Also, donât forget the candy. The small, cheap ones. Because when that swarm of zombified kids starts ringing and grabbing you need a mollification barrier, so to speak. You might also choose to get some (healthier?) muffins, for example, cause even though muffins aren’t exactly Halloween gold, let me tell you – and I know so – the zombies wonât say no, especially to the chocolate ones. What can you say? We’ve been riding the paganmobile since our neural pathways were fresh off the assembly line…
If you’re a parent, the Halloween costume industrial complex demands your surrender. Is your progeny gonna be a superhero? A cartoon character? No more Pocahontas, Indian chiefs, milkmaids, bums, fatsuits or terrorists. Odds are, no matter how hard you try, your genius offspring will be the walking, talking advertisement for something.
So donât rely on your imagination.
Remember, originality is just plagiarism waiting to happen.
Follow the neon breadcrumb trail of conformity, pass the sacred muffins and let’s polka with the quantum Halloween spirits.
So, what do we have –
WITCH
Girls should know from a young age that thereâs a nascent witch in each of them. Whether sheâll grow into a full-fledged, powerful witch is a matter of direction and investment. Or a matter of spelling.
ZOMBIE WITH AN AXE IN ITS HEAD
Itâs always nice to see your six-year-old covered in deathly green, with an axe in their head. Somehow, it gives meaning to the evening.
ZOMBIE WITHOUT AN AXE IN ITS HEAD
The more budget-friendly option. To compensate, you could arm them with a meat cleaver? Or a Covid mask?
VAMPIRE
The vampire is a good and quick choice. If you have trouble finding vampire teeth, don’t worry, we already live in a world where bloodsuckers and bureaucrats are interchangeable. You might ask yourself – is it a vampire or a revenue generator? Just equip the kid with a ticketing book and a yellow reflective vest, or maybe an IRS badge. The more clever partygoers will get the hint.
SKELETON
To achieve it, just leave the child with your mother in law, and youâll hear the fateful words: âOh dear, are you feeding him enough!â After all, nothing says “Happy Halloween” like family-induced body dysphoria.
PIRATE
Let the little rascal get used to reality. Let them grasp early on that if they donât trample others, theyâll be trampled. Arm them. The rest will fall into place.
SPIDERMAN
Perhaps not truly Halloween-ish, but one of those pop-up Halloween stores has just been oversupplied five containers of cheap China made suits. It is not so much trick-or-treating as much as it is participating in a global trade imbalance, but then theyâre the least expensive items on the shelf for these inflationary times. Don’t forget the true superhero ethos- with great purchasing power comes great fiscal responsibility!
WONDER WOMAN
Wonder Woman is a costume fail. Too emancipated. Too warlike. In general â too much in every way. Plus, there will always be some little pest dressed as a pink fairy-unicorn and your daughter will crash right through girl power and into a premature existential crisis. Are you raising an Amazon or just fast-tracking therapy sessions?
If the holiday caught you off guard or snuck up on you unnoticed, a last-minute solution is a sheet with eye holes or a cardboard box. The first is self-explanatory. With the second, you can claim your child is a robot. A bad robot. An old-fashioned man-eating robot. Poorly synchronized, maybe running a software bug, man-eating robot. If you manage to gather enough bad, defective man-eating robots, youâre only one step away from starting a political party!
Hey, life is just a never-ending Halloween party anyway, the only time of year when we all collectively agree to pretend we’re pretending! The rest of the year, we just pretend we’re not.
That’s right, a never-ending Halloween party and we’re all wearing masks. The only real monsters are the ones who think they don’t need one.
Or maybe we are all dead?
Happy Halloween! Have some candy corn.