24 FUCKS PER SECOND

No, this isn’t a porn countdown. At least – not tonight, Josephine!

It is only our short short – not for lack of criticism points, but for lack of worthy entries – list of memorable 2023 cinema entries.

ANATOMY OF A FALL
– ANATOMIE D’UNE CHUTE –

Someone falls, there is a dog called Snoop, a sordid trial, poison, plagiarism, infidelity, violence and most importantly – everyone speaks French.

Triet establishes a conceptual context, addressing the problem of how we can separate the images we construct for others (on social media, for example) from the intimate reality of our inner life and daily existence. Most likely, the truth lies somewhere in between our public, semi-fictional alter ego and our private existential experiences and tremors.

In a nutshell – big effort, low energy.

DIRECTOR:
Justine Triet

WINNER!
PALME D’OR + THE PALM DOG AWARD @ CANNES FILM FESTIVAL

POOR THINGS

With a name like this it has to be a black comedy. Which it is.
Victorian London, sex (?!?), debauchery, baby brains, reanimation, drinking, etc. A modern day, feminized Frankenstein story.
But it has Mark Ruffalo and that is a non-starter for a real film lover.

DIRECTOR:
Yorgos Lanthimos

WINNER!
THE GOLDEN LION @ THE VENICE FILM FESTIVAL

BARBENHEIMER

We suffered this trailer and so should you.

DIRECTORS:
One we could not respect less, and the other one is Christopher Nolan.

WINNER!
OF YOUR BOX OFFICE CASH

NAPOLEON

Let it not be said that we like biopics or little colonels, but its is impossible to pass on the man who, we like to believe, uttered the coldest line in French history, ‘Not tonight, Josephine!’

Ridley Scott can’t be bothered with Napoleon’s military genius, but he is nonetheless fascinated by this tiny man with such epic complexes that France simply had no choice but to bend the knee to him. And, after all, this is a story that shapes up on the battlefield and in the bedroom – two areas for which our insalubrious obsession never quiets down.

DIRECTOR:
Ridley Scott

WINNER:
Nothing yet. Nothing likely.

– HONORABLE MENTION –

JOHN WICK THE FOURTH

Well, here is a movie where nothing happens that is different from the initial premise of the story – John Wick dies.
But no, to squeeze in some last franchise $$, he dies after an agonizing exercise in futility, having practically blown through every single cell in his body and having had his allies killed with no discernible benefit to himself, said allies or the Wick universe.

However, Keanu Reeves stars and that is a reason alone to burn through any amount of hours necessary to watch this.

DIRECTOR:
Who cares? Keanu Reeves is in it!

WINNER!
KEANU REEVES IS IN IT

AND HERE ARE SOME TV SERIES BECAUSE FILMS HAVE FAILED US

RAISED BY WOLVES

Cheating quite a bit with this one as it started in 2020 and ended in Dec. 2022, but this is the most opulent and iconic show that has come out in a very long time.
It was cast well, written even better (in those moments when it was free of the DEI strangle) and visually delicious. It also resurrects ancient Mithraic mythology(!) and it explores themes and ideas with originality and verve that filmmaking seems to have forgotten.

We will have a long article on this series in 2024, so stay tuned.

WRITER:
Aaron Guzikowski

PRODUCER:
Who else but Ridley Scott?!

SERVANT

Cheating somewhat less with this one – it ended in 2023.
Atmospheric, creepy, unpredictable, skillfully cast, beautiful to look at and disturbing to think about. There is a bereaved mom slipping into insanity, a rabid cult, a broken husband, ritual mutilation, a dark satanic presence, exotic foods and drug addled gingers. Basically, it has everything.

We will have an in depth article on this amazing series in 2024.

WRITER:
Tony Basgallop

PRODUCER:
Who else but M. Night Shyamalan?!

THE IDOL

With its anachronistic dive in sex, deviancy and discomfort, ‘The Idol’ reminds of ‘Last Tango In Paris’. That is, ‘Last Tango’ for the extremely shallow, or rather, for the short attention span generation. Nonetheless, whenever we get a chance to indulge in the culturally malapropos, we must, for fear of future drought.

Oh, and it pissed off everyone – a must see if there was one!

WRITERS:
Sam Levinson
Abel Tesfaye
Reza Fahim

AND LASTLY

THE LAST OF US

Compromise because it was pretty silly in many ways – beware mushroooooooms! – but it straddles sci-fi and horror and that is a genre we cannot pass on.

This is a show that will make you curse the screen because the characters make nonsensical choices, like choosing to drive THROUGH an apocalypse and zombies stricken city, as opposed to clear it in a big circle, but hey, it is based on a game and games follow absurd rules. So, anyway, zombies, action, splashed brains, tentacles, gore,bad people, bad apples, etc.

Fun to watch while you are eating jalapeño stuffed mushrooms. For revenge, not for nutrition.


WRITERS:
Craig Mazin
Neil Druckmann

– DISHONORABLE MENTION –

SUCCESSION

Why? Because fuck that show! Because it is trite, tiresome and repetitive, braised for too long in an backwash mix of ambition, boring line cooks and corporate hullabaloo. Acting swung from there to not there to shark acrobatics. Storyline was on rinse and repeat for four seasons.

Have you ever sat through a TV show that felt like Chinese water torture? It’s like, episode after episode, drip, drip, drip… but instead of water, it’s Diet Coke! A slow, fizzy – stuttering! – torture that makes you question your life choices. Well, here it is – Succession! The kind of show that current and aspiring snobs* loved to watch because they were told they should.

WRITERS:
Who cares?

PRODUCER:
Your mom.

*Snob means ‘sensa nobilita’, or,’ without nobility’. Not just unflattering but contemptuous without apology.

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